Ambipeppizol

Lunatics’ Diet

By Mark Lindquist

Ambipeppizol: It’s The Right Thing To Do For Those Certain Somebodies That Suffer From You Know What

Tell your doctor if you are pregnant before gaining access to Ambipeppizol. Also, tell him if you know of anyone else that is pregnant and who the fathers might be…he just likes that kind of gossip.

If headaches occur while taking Ambipeppizol, ask your doctor about lowering your daily dosage. If headaches do not occur, talk to a street dealer about increasing your daily dosage.

You should avoid drinking alcohol if you are taking Ambipeppizol. Well, one little drinky-winky never hurt anyone. Bartender!

Side effects include: dizziness, tiredness, tardiness, sloppiness, pushiness, and overall nastiness. Don’t worry though. Another side effect is an enormous sense of care-or-less-iness, which will balance out your poor self-image.

Other side effects include: finger fungus and ass dandruff. Both are quite rare, but oddly enough, completely fatal.

Individual results from taking Ambipeppizol may vary. Some of you will be cured, some of you will not. And, yes, some of you may die. But I’m proud of each and every one of you in this room, and damn it, we’re going into this battle and give ‘em the kind of hell that only marines can muster …Now on to War!

If you have an erection for more than four hours after taking Ambipeppizol, consult your doctor immediately. You can brag about it on your blog later in the week.

Ambipeppizol is not recommended for women under the age of eighteen. I swear she told me she was eighteen, officer.

Keep Ambipeppizol out of the reach of children. A good place to hide it is in the drawer where you keep the cookies and candies. By the way, where do you hide the cookies and candies? In the back of that drawer right there? Gotcha! Now give me a cookie, sucker.

Do not operate machinery if you are currently taking Ambipeppizol. However, can I get a lift home?

In testing our product, a placebo produced the same results as Ambipeppizol in ten percent of the patients. Then those people died. Maybe it wasn’t a placebo. Maybe it was cyanide. I can’t remember. It’s so unorganized around here during “testing days.”

Legal Disclaimer

Legal Disclaimer

All rights reserved. No part of this column may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in positive only reviews, fond criticism, or a ranking system involving giving out at least four of five stars or “two thumbs up.”

The humor contained in this column is protected under the copyright laws of the United States and other countries. Yes, we’re looking at you, China. It is intended for home use only, that is, if you live in a home. If you don’t have a home, then you probably shouldn’t be wasting your time and money on this stuff to begin with, should you?

Any copying or public performance is strictly prohibited and may subject the offender severe criminal penalties of our choosing such as washing that cat smell out of the carpet on the stairs, and not limited to getting back that twenty dollars Earl still owes us. If the said offender is young and female, she’s going to get such a spanking under Copyright Law; Title 17; US Code 501 and 506.

This column has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit this page. But boy, you should have seen it in its original version. It was amazing!

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All characters and places in this column are fictional, and any resemblances to those living or dead are purely coincidental. So don’t get your panties all up in a bundle. You’re not the only person who does those things.

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Christmas Thank You from the Lindquist Family

A Christmas Thank You From The Lindquist Family

Dear Friends, Family, and Co-Workers,

On behalf of my wife Donna, and our two children, Mark Jr. and Javier, and myself, I am writing this thank you letter to all who helped make our holidays a warm and wonderful time. Also this should serve as an official apology to those who were and some who still remain very ill from Donna’s Christmas quiche. Once again, I want to stress that though it may have initially appeared that only relatives from her stepfather’s side of the family developed the salmonella poisoning, Donna did not purposely use any expired ingredients in a malicious way as she has been so accused. Anyone with further questions regarding that matter can direct them to our lawyer who will return from Mexico City at the end of January. Happy New Year-- now let it go.

Our warmest thanks to everyone who blessed us with the lovely gifts we received. Our adopted three-year-old son from Columbia, Javier, really has taken to the fifteen soccer balls he received. Next year maybe some of you can discuss beforehand what presents you plan on giving out in hopes that a young boy doesn’t think it’s a cruel joke when he opens the same gift over and over and over.

Also, here’s something to think about. Donna and I realize that it is very plain to everyone that my thirteen year old, Mark Jr., is going through a teenager’s “phase,” in that he likes to wear short plaid skirts. It’s a tough age and kids like to play dress up. That’s all it is. Each of us probably has pictures from our own youths that look embarrassing. Therefore, those of you who gave him all kinds of women’s garments for Christmas are just encouraging him to keep rebelling. Let’s help him out of this phase without sending mixed messages. I don’t think I have to say it twice when I tell you that women’s undergarments as a gift for a young man is strictly forbidden in this house hold from now on.

Donna and I would like to send a personal thanks to Uncle Anthony for his lovely gift of twenty dollars worth of lottery scratch off tickets. And if any of you see Uncle Anthony or know of his whereabouts please pass on our gratitude. Could you also tell him that unfortunately none of the tickets were winners, and he should have known that since they were already scratched off, crumpled up, and looked as though they had gone through the wash once or twice? Please include in our appreciation to the elusive Uncle Anthony that we will not be sending him a bill for the case of wine he “borrowed,” but Donna would definitely like her cell phone back.

Finally, to us, the best part of the holidays is getting to spend quality time with all of you. Please always feel invited to our home. But, as I also had to state in last year’s thank you letter, as much as you are invited into our house, you are also subject to be patted down upon entering and checked for wearing a wire. We’ve had this problem before and we had it again this year (I’m talking to you Nana Lilly). We will not be coerced into saying anything on record or tape concerning Donna’s business dealings in Columbia. Especially during our favorite time of the year.

May 2007 be your best year yet!

Sincerely,

The Lindquists

Eulogy for Gary Doursman

Eulogy for Gary Doursman (1937-2006) by His Son Jack

I’d like to thank you all for coming to remember my dad, Gary Doursman. He would think it amusing to see you all dressed up, not to mention clothed at all on a Saturday, because he always made it a point to stay pantless every weekend. My dad would probably not be happy that we were forced to dress him fully in his coffin on what he would fondly refer to as “underwear day.” May he rest in peace.

Father. Provider. Friend. Dad. Man. All the things the person we are here to show our respects to was. And what do you get when you mix the words dad and man? You get Adam. Like the Good Book says God created Adam. Adam met Eve in the Garden of Eve, and Eve ate from his rib. She was hungry. For that they were forced to leave the Garden of Eve and move to New Castle, Pennsylvania where they had two children named Jack and Lawrence.

My dad was a simple man. He spent most of his life improving toilet brush technology. I think he would be proud that you, his friends and family, would think of him every time you cleaned and flushed your toilet. He worked hard and put my brother and me through school on the tips of the bristles of toilet brushes that my father labored to improve. “Clean toilet makes for a clear conscious,” that’s what my dad used to say, and I want you to think about that when you see a toilet.

He did more than just being father and toilet brush designer. My dad liked to write. You may not know that he authored many nonproduced television scripts. “Tootie Is The Black One” and “It’s Not So Bad, Blair” were his favorites written pieces and to us, the television show Facts of Life made a big mistake by not ever taking his work seriously enough to “green light” his scripts.

I think if my dad could speak to you today and give you a life lesson, it would be this: if something gets stuck in something, try soapy water to loosen it. Soapy water, people. That shows what kind of a man my father was. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers and showing your respects to a man that died as he lived, next to a clean toilet, in his underwear, and whistling the theme to his favorite show, Facts of Life.

Lost Diary of Shackleton Antartic Exploration

Lost Diary of 1914 Shackleton’s Exploration Crewman and Chronic Self-Gratifier, Lionel Goocher.

In 1914, Sir Ernest Shackleton and his crew from the ship Endurance set off from London to explore the southern continent Antarctica. Upon arriving to the coast, the Endurance became trapped in ice packs, forcing Shackleton and his crew to abandon ship and live on the floating ice for over a year until being rescued. This amazing survival story has been well documented through diaries and pictures. Recently, a newly discovered lost diary of crewman Lionel Goocher may shed new light on what these stranded seamen did to pass the time during the long cold Antarctic winter waiting to be rescued. Below are sample of excerpts.

July 15^th, 1914, London

Answered a strange ad in the paper today and secured a place on Mr. Edward Shackleton’s journey to the cold mysterious continent known as Antarctica. Shackleton seems like a fine captain. I harbor nothing but excitement for our departure from this island. The adventure sounds dangerous, but the idea of exploration and camaraderie amongst a close nit crew appears more promising than anything occurring in London right now. I am not a man of politics or expert in economics. After talking to Shackleton, a warm and tingly feeling shot throughout my loins thinking about the native females we might discover on the ice covered place named Antarctica.

August 1, The Ship Endurance, Atlantic Ocean

We left port today on the ship Endurance with the proposition of placing the British flag on the unmapped lands of Antarctica. The crew is a great group of guys. We work hard and work together. My main job is swabbing the decks twice a day. It’s not the easiest task aboard the Endurance, but the thought of being dressed up as a sailor and swabbing decks has my spirits up. Had to secretly touch myself three times today and my excitement could not be quelled. Hard to do in such close quarters. Once before swabbing, once after the second swabbing, and third time after the expedition photographer took a picture of the crew all holding hands.

October 26, Coast of Buenos Aires, Ship Endurance

The first sign of cold has reached us. We made our second to last port before we approach the ice continent. The crew still remains in high spirits. Captain Shackleton addressed us today saying we would embark on our main mission in a simple two months. Indeed, that news was so arousing that I masturbated after dinner. I’ve found a private place in the barrel closet behind the kitchen.

Jan 18^th, 1915, Coast of Antarctica, Ship Endurance

Ran into heavy pack ice today. I do not share Shackleton’s view that everything will be fine. Very cold. Very nervous. Very hard to please myself in these times of excruciating cold and loneliness.

Feb. 24^th, Stranded in Ice Pack, Antarctica

Had to abandon ship today. A sense of doom has come over us. Hopefully, we will be found by a whaling ship or take to lifeboats for port. The weather was so awful that I could not muster any personal gratification at all. Will try again after rations.

May 1^st, Ice Pack, Antarctica

So very cold. Hunger and cold and ice are all I know right now. Hope may be lost for all of us. Our rations have begun to dwindle to depressing amounts. Nothing to do here on these damned ice chunks except pray…pray and the other thing I like to do.

June 9^th, Ice Pack, Antarctica

The large packs of ice have begun to break up, and we slowly move out to sea. We realized this, as I had to be saved while a small chunk I was fondling myself on started to move away from the lifeboats. The men threw me a rope and brought me back. So relieved and thankful that I showed the men my new method involving seal oil and a wooden spoon.

August 9^th, Ice Pack, Antarctica

Attempted a new personal record of 14 times today. Nothing else to do. Crew photographer took pictures. I don’t care if anyone is watching anymore. Seems to entertain some of the crew.

January 7^th, 1916, Coast of Antarctica

Blizzard today. New record, 18 times. Will go for another record when blizzard ends.

May 22^nd, Coast of Antarctica

Lost count after 26 times. I believe madness is setting in.

June 15^th, Coast of Antarctica

All hope lost. Shackleton has been gone for months. He left to try to reach a port and get us help. Constantly trying to rub myself in new creative ways. In fact, I had a nice conversation with the ship’s cook, Tom Baechle, who recommended I use leftover blubber. A nice man. When will this tragedy end?

August 30^th, Whaling Boat headed towards port.

Saved. Oh sweet Jesus, I am saved. A rescue ship arrived. And I am aboard a ship heading towards a whaling port. Shackleton has saved us! Warm food and ale…never such a heavenly taste. I have not taken my hand from my trousers since we saw the ship on the horizon heading for us. Blessed be this day. Looking forward to joining Shackleton’s next exploration attempt.